Put it back in the bargain bin
I only knew two things before purchasing 2007’sHeavenly Guardianon PS2. First, it was going to be a game in thePocky & Rockyseries, only maybe not really. It looked to be aiming more atKiki Kaikai, which thePocky & Rockygames are the sequels to, but I’m not going to get into the finer details of why they’re almost two separate series. The quick version is this:Kiki Kaikaiis Taito;Pocky & Rockyis Natsume. Yes, this means thatPocky & Rocky with Beckyis more a part of theKiki Kaikaiseries.
Anyway, that’s boring. The second thing I knew aboutHeavenly Guardiangoing into it is that it’s considered to be kusoge.
Totally different
According to articles leading up to the release ofHeavenly Guardian, the title was originally going to beKiki Kaikai 2. However, Square Enix bought up Taito in the midst of development and decided they didn’t want a newKiki Kaikaigame. So, Starfish canceled it. Then they revealedKiki Kai World, which you’ll notice is one “kai” away from copyright infringement. They insisted that wasn’t just the canceledKiki Kaikai 2renamed. That might be true sinceHeavenly Guardiandoes have a lot of identifiable differences from the early screenshots. However, palette swapping the heroine and dropping a “kai” doesn’t mean it’s not a little too close to an existing license. So, eventually, we wound up withHeavenly Guardian.
I raised the question of whether or not this was more of aPocky & Rockysuccessor or a game closer to theKiki Kaikaiarcade game, and the answer is: no. It’s neither. It’s a mess.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s a top-down run-and-gun like the other games in its would-be series. Its influence is clear. The power-up system is similar, and the enemies are taken from Japanese folklore. It’s just a matter of flow. It doesn’t match either series. It’s not as tanuki-balls out asPocky & Rocky, nor does it have the stiff, quarter-munching mentality ofKiki Kaikai. No, it feels more like a homebrew fangame.
Ungodly
Most egregiously, it has no real feeling of impact, so it’s not always obvious when you’re being hit or the enemy is.Pocky & Rockyhad characters who threw scrolls and leaves, but it still made sure you knew when you did damage through this constant a-wok-a-wok-a-wok-a sound. There’s one boss, in particular, that has two types of attacks: one that does damage and another that reverses your controls but doesn’t hurt you. I had to keep looking at my life gauge because, in the moment, I had no idea to tell if something did damage or just reversed my controls.
It doesn’t help that the weapons feel like butt and not in a good way. You pick up gems to change your weapon, and if you pick up the same colored gem, you upgrade that weapon. This comes in the flavor of rapid, three-way, homing, and bomb. Rapid, I don’t even understand because you normally shoot rapidly. In fact, if you have a three-way, you may shoot faster the closer you get to your target. It’s the classic projectile sprite limitation. If you shorten the distance they travel, the next set can spawn quicker.
As for the upgrades, you have to squint to see the difference they make. I typically stuck to three-ways, since homing and bomb were disappointing and, again, I don’t see the point of rapid. I think upgrading any of the branches of firepower just makes them stronger, but I didn’t see any tangible evidence of that. Bosses display their health as a numeric value, and it seemed like no matter what projectile you hit them with, it always does 2 damage. So… I guess just upgrade your weapons to make the imperceptibly better. They’re definitely improved, you just won’t know how.
Boss-level mediocrity
The bosses ofHeavenly Guardiandeserve special mention for being unexciting and tedious. If I show you a screenshot of them, they probably look all right. Then you get into combat with them and realize it’s way too easy to either cancel their attacks or find that perfect spot to sit where most of their extremely predictable attacks just go right by you.
On the other hand, they have mountains of health. I noted above that every projectile seems to do a base 2 damage every time it makes contact. Well, bosses commonly have around 400 health. Now, you don’tnecessarilyhave to hit them 200 times to win, as your three-way can affect them three times and bomb seems to suck down a cluster of health. However, it still takes a ridiculously long time. They pull out additional attacks as their health gets lower, so try not to dislocate your interocular lenses when you roll your eyes after getting killed when they’re down to 50 health.
I suppose every game deserves to be available
There are a few times I’ve picked up a game I knew was poorly received and, after a few minutes of actually playing, thought, “oh no, what have I gotten myself into?” This was one of them, as even before finishing the first level, a nauseous feeling was bowling in my gut in protest to actually having to play any moreHeavenly Guardian. At some point, I turned to my dog and promised that when I hit the continue screen again, I’d put the game down and walk away.
There was no such solace, as after continuing once on the first level, I never had to again. To hell with my mad gamer skills! I begrudgingly wound up seeing the ending a few hours later.
I can only imagine that losing theKiki Kaikailicense was such a blow that the lead designer locked themselves in the bathroom and refused to come out. Like, they planned on putting effort into the game, lost the license, and were just, like, “Well, let’s throw the scraps together and push it out the door.” I feel like believing that there was once passion behind this project, but very little of it shows in the final product.
Although I played the PS2 version of the game, it came to my attention that you’re able to getHeavenly Guardianon Steam and Switch under the nameSnow Battle Princess Sayuki.I find this information distressing. You should probably getPocky & Rocky Reshrinedinstead.
